infidelity

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At a young age society, teaches us to be deceptive about our sexual experiences. As adolescents, we tended to keep our sexual indiscretions secretive from our families and friends (Who). As we grow older, some long for the intrigue of such relationships and become involved in adulterous affairs. It is quite amazing that even though infidelity is considered an unmentionable topic, usually only discussed in sordid soap operas and scandalous romance novels, it affects more than sixty percent of all marriages (Facts). Infidelity affects everyone involved mentally and physically; it devastates trust, causing many to wonder if they should forgive or just move on.
Although, extramarital relationships are taking place all too often it is still not understood exactly why. Most would like to believe that it is mainly to do with sexual attraction, but most of the time this is not the case. According to author, Frank Pittman, “Affairs were thus three times more likely to be the pursuit of a buddy rather than a better orgasm” (Adultery). It is often stated that the sexual relationship is better at home and that the mate is usually as good of looking as the concealed lover (Why).
It should be know that just because the affair is taking place, it doesn’t mean that the unfaithful spouse no longer loves the faithful spouse, although that does cross the mind of the innocent (Forgiving). Affairs prey on the self-esteem of all the parties involved. Most usually when a person finds out about the secret sexual endeavors of his of her mate, they have a tendency to think, “I wasn’t good enough, or “ I did something wrong to make them do this to me” (The Destructive). This
is usually not the case, most generally a person is longing for the passion that used to be in the relationship in its beginning ( Extramarital Affairs).
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Mentally, the cheaters have to suppress the feeling of guilt from they way they are treating the innocent person that has not done anything to deserve this treatment. The feeling of fear is also present. Whether it is the fear that he or she are going to get caught and lose everything they have such as the family they have or the fear that they are going to get caught and lose each other. Physically, all of the people involved with the affair suffer as well.
According to Pam Gerhardlt, of the Washington Post, “All parties in extramarital affairs often report thoughts of suicide” (Emotional Cost).
Also the stress of hiding a relationship is very difficult for both of the adulterous parties, and it is intense when the faithful mate finds out about the affair.
Just as the lies and unfaithfulness is unfair to the honest person in the relationship, it is also unjust to the relatives and friends of the married couple. The adulterous individual in the relationship takes valuable time away from their children and their spouse. They deprive their entire family o the energy and intimacy that it takes to make a serviceable family (Adultery). Children may find it hard to look at the home-wrecking parent as the role model that they should be (10 Things). Friendships are betrayed as a result of the fling. The lies that are told break bonds and trust; these items may take years to develop back if they ever do.
Once the act of sexual betrayal is discovered, trust is broken almost instantly (Four Stages). In order to regain the trust a person has to prove them selves for years to come. Doctor Levy Warren states, “…good relationships have some basic ingredients attraction, care, common interest, ease of communication- and trust” (Those Cheating).
Trust allows a relationship to grow. Without confidence that his or her spouse will not cheat again a relationship will defiantly fail. Once trust has been betrayed, it is difficult to be replaced. Even if the couple decides to retry the relationship, the trust will never be the same. The spouse may have guarded trust, where they trust again but they are on the guard for the same thing to happen again. For instance, a person with guarded trust may constantly ask questions about where the other person has been. The innocent faithful spouse may have conditional trust, where they trust again but only on certain conditions. For example, they will trust the other mate as long as they promise to cut all ties from the other lover. Finally, the spouse may experience what is called selective trust, where he or she trust about one thing like money, but not other, like sex. In order to heal the trust has to be complete, it cannot even resemble any of the above or the relationship may not be able to survive (Four Stages).
If an illicit relationship occurs, most seventy-five percent of partners will terminate the relationship (Facts). The other twenty- five percent will try to forgive the two-timing mate. Forgiving the deceitful partner may turn out to be harder then actually accepting the affair
and just moving on in life with out the adulterous person. Mother Theresa is quoted as saying, “…If we really want love, we must learn to forgive…” and this is very true (Forgiveness).
In order to forgive one must know they do not have to forget, but to maintain a healthy relationship the forgiveness has to be unadulterated. Although the guiltless partner does not actually have to forget what has happened he or she does need to let go of it and leave it in the past. The forgiveness given to the double-crossing mate will also allow the truthful other half the chance to repair the damage that was done, and in reality make it easier for the couple to connect once for a second time (Power of Forgiveness). Forgiveness will allow the damage that was done in the relationship to be in the past, and a new future to begin for the couple.
True forgiveness will take time, maybe even years (Forgiveness). In that time, the person who was so hurt and devastated in the whole situation may tend to throw the betrayal in the face of the other person. In arguments, the injured party may have the tendency to use the affair as ammunition to get their way. This act, while
somewhat immature, is typical but acts as an interruption in the forgiving process, and might annihilate all that is being worked toward. If the innocent party or the deceitful party, decides that there is no point of trying to make the relationship work; then one or both of them might have to go through what is known as the process of moving on.
There are six stages to the healing process according to Thirdage.com; the first one is called shattering. The shattering stage is when the heart is actually broken, there is a lot of crying and weeping and it feels, as thought life will just not continue. The next stage is called withdrawal. This is the point that the brokenhearted feel alone and that no one understands the pain that he or she is going through. They also feel as if he or she have been abandoned. Thirdly, the grief-stricken will go through the stage of internalizing. In this stage is where a person may question his or her own self-worth. They feel as though the affair happened because they were not good enough, or that they had done something to turn their mate to someone else. The next stage is the stage of rage. This is the stage where revenge comes in to play. This is also a sign that the person is beginning to stat the healing process. The stage of rage is
the place where all the wrongdoing is reviewed and power is taken back. The next stage is the lifting stage. This is where offended individual steps back into life; maybe not quite the same as they used to be, possibly better than before. The lifting stage is the stage where the person is ready to get out and start finding love again. The final stage is taking the big leap, forgetting all the pain of the past and allowing ones self to fall in love once again. This final stage of falling in love once again is where all the pain is forgotten and the barriers of intimacy are conquered (Crazy Glue).
When it comes to cheating on a person, it is just not a smart move. No matter what, there will be pain involved for all of the parties. If you are wanting a relationship over, or you are just wanting to have a better
relationship at home, it would be better to talk to your mate rather than to cheat on them; it will save a lot of the heartache for your spouse, your family, your friends, as well as yourself and for the person in which you are involved.


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