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I’ve always wondered why a woman could stay with a man who would hurt her. Nobody could possibly enjoy staying in a relationship where the person you love, and who is supposed to love you back, is abusive. Nobody likes to be pushed around and controlled. So, then why do so many women stay with men who abuse them?
The first reasons are those that most people think of when they ponder this question. Such things as a background involving abuse, intense need for love and affection, clinical depression, and A.C.O.A. (adult children of alcoholics/addicts) issues. There are many women who have one or all of these characteristics, and it seems they are almost always doomed to end up in an abusive relationship. The reason is because when you grow up in abusive situations (whether the abuse is towards you, someone else, or a substance) abuse becomes your comfort zone, and unless you make a very conscious effort to step outside of that comfort, the abuse will almost always continue. There are not very many women who realize this problem, let alone try and change it. Abuse is an integrated part of their life, and it’s the way they’ve always seen things.
But, not all women in abusive relationships come from abusive childhoods or have depression. There are some who have been raised in the “traditional” two-parent home, without any abuse issues, and who lead a happy, functional life. So then, how do these women get caught up in the twisted web we call abuse? It has to do with the way the man abuses her. Throughout studies, researchers have found that there are two different types of abusers men whose temper slowly simmers until it suddenly erupts into violence, they calls these men “pit-bulls”; and men who strike out immediately, these men are called “cobras”. One study, conducted over eight-years, found that almost half of the “pit-bull” relationships had ended within two years, and by the five-year follow up point 75% of women were still in the “cobra” relationships. In addition, 80% of those women who stayed tested normal on personality scales (Gottman). So why do more women stay with the “cobra” men? Because of the way they react, it puts the women in a state of submission immediately, where she will stay as long as he’s around; and with such a violent temper, anything could set it off, and so the partners of “cobras” become scared to do anything in fear that it might cause him to react violently. They won’t stand up to him, they won’t talk to someone about it, and most of them definitely wouldn’t try and leave.
While both of these reasons, childhood abuse issues and the way a man strikes, affect why some women stay, they don’t include the entire population of abused women. There are still women who stay with “pit-bulls”, and there are women who stay without having a tragic childhood. The one characteristic I think all abused women possess, and what keeps them in the relationship, is the lack of good self-esteem. Whether they never had it to begin with, or they lost it somewhere throughout the turmoil, women who stay have low self-esteem. Throughout the physical abuse to the constant degrading of her spirit, I can understand why her self-esteem could become so low that she feels she can’t leave. He has made her believe that she is worth nothing, and it’s the women who realize the truth that find the strength to leave.
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I wish I could rescue every woman who is in an abusive relationship, but the truth is, no matter how many people tell her to leave or try to help, it is her who has to have the courage to leave. From the outside, it’s hard to understand why someone would endure such destruction, and for what? The solution is so easy. Just leave. But from the position of the abused, it’s not nearly as apparent. It’s hard to rise up through the abuse, and be able to step back, and look at what the reality of the situation really is. Throughout my research, I have found that no characteristic will hold a woman back as much as low self-esteem does; and no woman will ever leave until she realizes this.
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